Sunday, March 27, 2011

Hope hurts

Beta was negative.

And I really thought I was pregnant (after feeling very pessimistic earlier in the 2ww). I had cramps on Monday, and then twinges here and there all week. I've been dreaming every night. All symptoms I had with the two BFPs, and so I convinced myself that maybe this did work.

But no.

$20,000 down the drain.

This was the one part of the process that I had some faith in my body about -- two previous transfers = two previous pregnancies. Now, the embryos weren't normal, but my body did what it was supposed to. This feels like a betrayal - I put a known good embryo back in there, and my body didn't keep it safe.

At least we proved we can create a normal embryo.

And logically, I know there was about a 30% chance of a live birth with a good embryo, so the statistics are not on my side. But I had such a good track record with implantation...

I go off meds tonight, and schedule the WTF appointment tomorrow, although there's not much to discuss. We'll do another cycle or two this way, with the PGD, before considering other options.

And I turn 36 in May. And I won't have a baby this year. It hurts.

31 comments:

  1. A m a n d aMarch 27, 2011 at 3:51 PM

    I'm so so sorry. I know there isn't anything that can be said to help right now, but sending you lots of hugs...

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  2. The Baby Chase ProjectMarch 27, 2011 at 3:56 PM

    I am sorry. I hope you get some answers at your appointment tomorrow.

    My RE told me that PGD decreases implantation rate (10% decreased in implantation rate with each cell cleaved or more than 50% after removal of two cells).. this may be something you ask your RE.

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  3. KaitakeMarch 27, 2011 at 4:06 PM

    I'm so very sorry for you. You're right. Hope does hurt. I also found out that I won't have a baby this year, but it was a different reason. Still sucks. It's not fair and we all deserve much better. I hope you appointment can shed a bit of light on the situation for you, and I admire you for planning the way forward like you have. Big hugs. I wish I could say something to make it better.

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  4. DMMarch 27, 2011 at 4:23 PM

    Really sorry it didn't work for you. My FET was just cancelled so I feel your pain of not having a child this year. Hopefully they will have some answers for you at the WFT appt.

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  5. NinkMarch 27, 2011 at 4:34 PM

    Oh man. I kept logging into my Blogger account to check your blog, looking for your BFP announcement. I'm so sorry that's not the case. With your track record of IVFs working, I thought your body would rock this one as well. I don't know what PGD is, but maybe that affected things? You are in my prayers. xoxo

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  6. AlexMarch 27, 2011 at 4:42 PM

    I'm so very sorry! This is such horrible news! Sending you a hug...

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  7. SassMarch 27, 2011 at 6:59 PM

    oh honey, I'm so sorry.

    sending lots of love and hugs
    xo

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  8. DandelionBreezeMarch 27, 2011 at 7:23 PM

    So sorry to hear about your negative... my results today were negative too. Wish I could give you a big hug. This IVF thing is a nightmare of a roller-coaster xoxo

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  9. AnonymousMarch 27, 2011 at 7:59 PM

    I'm really sorry Braving IVF...I was just wondering about you today. Really hope the next cycle is the ticket for you...

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  10. JenniMarch 27, 2011 at 8:02 PM

    I'm so sorry. I hope you learn something at the WTF appointment, and I hope that your next try works out better than this one did.

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  11. IVFJessMarch 27, 2011 at 9:58 PM

    It's so true that hope does hurt. I wish there were words I could say that would make it hurt less.

    Sending you hugs and hoping that whatever comes next brings your baby.

    xooxx

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  12. MayaMarch 27, 2011 at 10:53 PM

    ((Hugs)) I am so, so sorry.

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  13. BrokenBirdsBeesMarch 28, 2011 at 12:38 AM

    I'm so sorry! :(

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  14. The Infertility DoulaMarch 28, 2011 at 4:49 AM

    So sorry for the bfn. There are no words. The disappointment and sadness are part of the grieving process. Give yourself the time you need. We're all here for you.

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  15. Whitney AndersonMarch 28, 2011 at 5:26 AM

    I'm so sorry...

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  16. AndreaMarch 28, 2011 at 5:49 AM

    I'm SO sorry Brave - sending you much love and hugs.

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  17. RunningMamaMarch 28, 2011 at 6:19 AM

    Aw, hon. I'm so sorry. I know how much this hurts...it hurts even more when you think it worked...Take care of yourself these next few weeks. You can survive this. You have to. So that someday you can see your precious baby's smile.

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  18. HopeBPatientMarch 28, 2011 at 8:22 AM

    I'm so sorry to hear about your negative beta. Good for you for not giving up though! It hurts like crazy and costs ridiculous amounts of money, but I'm glad you've got plans to move forward (and even pursue other options). Take care.

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  19. GurleeMarch 28, 2011 at 11:30 AM

    I wish I could change your outcome and every single one of us who has to deal with a negative beta after IVF hell. I am so sorry. Sending you great big hugs.

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  20. MoonMarch 28, 2011 at 1:46 PM

    I'm so sorry, sending you huge hugs, here for you xx

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  21. AnonymousMarch 28, 2011 at 5:53 PM

    I am so so sorry :( Sending you lots of hugs right now...

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  22. Wishing and WaitingMarch 29, 2011 at 9:01 PM

    I am so sorry. I know there are no words that can heal your heart. I had to come to the realization of no baby in 2010 and now no baby in 2011 and I turned 40 last week. Definitely not how I saw my 40th birthday. Sending hugs your way and praying for 2012 to be our year

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  23. AugustaMarch 31, 2011 at 4:55 AM

    I'm sorry to read that your beta was negative. Take good care of yourself as you digest (yet again) this difficult news.

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  24. AnonymousApril 2, 2011 at 6:56 PM

    I'm so sorry. I can understand how you feel. My husband and I have tried 6 IUI's and were on the verge of IVF. We're now thinking adoption because we are worried how losing hope and chances would hurt us. We've been trying four years. It is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and it has caused me to lose hope like I never thought possible. Just know, when there is a will, there is a way. Some how, some way we will become moms. Good luck!!

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  25. KimApril 2, 2011 at 9:15 PM

    I am not sure how I missed this post, but wanted to say I was son sorry to read this...:( hugs to you. Xoxoxo

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  26. BabystepsApril 4, 2011 at 8:21 AM

    I am so sorry. BFNs are so hard to comprehend after all that we do to get ourselves to this point.

    Take good care of yourself.

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  27. A.April 5, 2011 at 10:06 AM

    (((hugs))) I am so, so sorry.

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  28. lady pumpkinApril 5, 2011 at 4:49 PM

    This sucks, doesn't it? Here holding your hand; our genetically delightful babies are coming... xoxo

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  29. LCApril 6, 2011 at 4:35 PM

    I'm so sorry! How did your WTF appt. go? I think I'll be having one of those too soon. :( Sending love!

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  30. AnonymousApril 8, 2011 at 6:25 PM

    This is a late comment but I'm sending you my love. I'm so sorry to hear your cycle was negative this time. Its so unfair that life can treat you this way.
    I hope the WTF appointment is helpful and you can get a plan in place to help build hope for the future.

    Cause we need hope, as much as it hurts when it all falls away.

    xx

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  31. HopeApril 12, 2011 at 1:01 PM

    I am so, so sorry, for all your losses. Including this failed cycle. (((Hugs)))

    Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by my blog and share your story. I really hope that your next IVF cycle is successful.

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