In an alternate reality somewhere, I'm full term today. If we hadn't lost our first pregnancy, today would have been our due date from IVF #1.
It's surreal. It feels so far away, even though it absolutely affects every day I'm living now, taking each day one at a time, hoping this pregnancy turns out differently.
It was a loss of innocence. Another one, after realizing that getting pregnant wasn't going to be the no-brainer we always assumed it would be.
It's whatever the opposite of a silver lining it -- the unfortunate side effect of our wonderful TTC community. We all know far more about potential loss than we'd like, and far too many of us live through it. Of the 7 out of 8 couples that aren't infertile, I dare say most of them go through their TTC and pregnancies blissfully unaware of all the milestones they're passing.
In the spring, I thought getting pregnant was the goal. Then I learned it's just the next milestone on the path to a baby. It's an important one, but it's only necessary, not sufficient.
--
But thankfully, I'm pregnant from IVF #3. I think today would have been a lot harder if I weren't.
I'm doing ok with my anxiety levels, taking one day at a time with this pregnancy. We're not reading any of the pregnancy books, or googling to see what's developing this week. In fact, the only reason I'm counting weeks is to figure out my ultrasound dates. Thankfully my RE recommended ultrasound #2 be only 7-10 days after ultrasound #1. So that's next Tuesday. And I'm going to try to have another one a week later, which would be 8w5d. With pregnancy #1, we found out at the 9 week ultrasound that the embryo had stopped growing sometime around week 7, although they had no way to know for sure when it actually happened. So having a positive ultrasound right before Christmas would help us breathe easier while we're away for the holidays.
I'm not excited, really, about being pregnant. It feels so tenuous, so fleeting. I think that getting to Christmas will be a big enough milestone that maybe I'll be able to get more into it. Right now, it's definitely 'so far so good'.
Thank you for the lovely notes on my last post. It feels great to get those nice comments in my inbox.
My husband and I started trying to have a baby in 2007. We ended up doing 5 rounds of IVF with our own eggs, miscarrying twice due to chromosomal abnormalities, and then moved to donor eggs. Our son was born in 2012. After two unexplained miscarriages trying for a sibling, we found a gestational surrogate, who carried our second son (2015) and our daughter (2018).
Thinking of you today. I know how horrible that feeling is.
ReplyDeleteHope you're ok today , you'll get through it xx
ReplyDeleteHang in there. ((hugs))
ReplyDelete((hugs)) one day at a time is the only way to do it.
ReplyDeleteWe're in the EXACT same boat...I could have wrote this same email with regard to "so far so good" and trying not to get too excited. Take care...sorry for the due date anniversary. They are tough.
ReplyDeleteAh yes, the alternate reality. In that reality, there are a lot of us with babies, and yet... In this reality, I hope that little one who is inside you now is the one - the perfect one - your baby.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss, but I am very glad that today is easier because you are pregnant again. I hope all your upcoming scans are perfect
ReplyDeleteI would be close to giving birth from my IVF#1 this year too. It certainly does feel surreal - absolutely bizarre actually.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry also for your recent loss. I have lost two IVF pregnancies this year too - my second sounds identical to yours - u/s with heartbeat but not promising news, followed by loss.
Please be gentle on yourself, it's a horrible heartbreak to endure. My thoughts are with you.
xxx