Sunday, June 6, 2010



The Thursday night before Memorial day weekend, I dreamed about my little girl. She was maybe two years old, dark, short hair with curls, and very poised. I woke up happy. I also woke up bleeding.

Initially I wasn't too concerned -- I'd been bleeding on and off since the D&C on May 5, although I hadn't seen fresh red blood for a week or two. I went to my morning class at The Bar Method and after class I realized I'd bled quite a bit more (like the first day of my period). I cried all the way home.

Some research online suggested that the D&C didn't get all the tissue, and this was my body getting rid of whatever was left. I peed on a stick, and sure enough, it still showed positive. Called my doctor, ended up talking to his nurse, and the doctor on duty called in a test requisition for my hCG levels to be taken.

It was not a good day. The reason I did the D&C immediately after finding out our pregnancy wasn't viable was to get past the physical process and begin healing and get on track for IVF #2 as quickly as possible. Immediate D&C meant no sedation, and if you want, you can read my earlier post for what a nightmare that was. And until my bleeding stopped, my body couldn't start a new cycle. Which meant instead of a mid-June period, I was now looking at an early July period. I was really angry and frustrated (and a little scared -- unexpected fresh blood is never a good thing).

The blood draw that afternoon was surprisingly good - the last time I was in that lab was for my weekly progesterone/CBC levels. I got the awesome tech who manages to make the needle not hurt at all. And, curiously, when I was waiting to be called, there was a butterfly flying around the (basement level) room. Maybe the universe sending me a sign.

By Friday night I was calmer, and it was so nice to have my husband home from work. After dinner we talked about it, and he said my dream was our little girl saying goodbye. (A week later, this still makes me tear up.) We're not religious in the slightest, but I think he was right. My body realized it was letting go of the last little bit of her, and gave me that dream.

We went to Napa on Saturday as planned (not quite the weekend we'd planned, though, what with the bleeding and all...

Wednesday I found out that my hCG was 22 on Friday, and had dropped to 13 on Tuesday. The bleeding has stopped, and I'm finally no longer having to use a panty liner. So I think my body will start having a regular cycle. My "normal" cycles are 32-33 days, so that would make it early July before I get my period. I'm back to feeling like I did before the bleeding restarted -- just eager for time to pass so we can start up again.

We have a consult with our IVF doctor to Tuesday to discuss the next cycle, and I'm hoping he doesn't feel any need for a delay past waiting for my cycle.

-Brave IVF Girl

p.s. For the record, I don't have a test that says she was a girl, but I'm pretty sure she was. When I dreamed about her while pregnant, she was a girl, and in her goodbye dream, she was a girl.


  1. You are definitely brave. And I believe the butterfly and the dream were signs. =) I'm right there with ya. *hugs*

  2. I'm glad you're finally done with the physical part of this and I hope that your period comes as expected in mid-July.

  3. Life is really tough at times, I admire your dignity and continued positivity. Thinking of you x

  4. here from the blog roundup and late...sorry.

    Sometimes I am glad for those dreams. the ones that allow me to say I'm sorry, I miss you, goodbye..etc. To have the closure I might never have had.

    that butterfly was her beautiful self with you...and she's always be in your heart. Making you able to move forward and holding your hand as you move on to make her a brother or sister.

    My best wishes for a really good cycle in July.

  5. So sorry about your loss. I am currently undergoing IVF and will have my beta test on Friday. I also started this journey in July 2007 when we were married. I have endo as well but we had a successful IVF on round 3. Hope you make it also.