Returning from Through the Looking Glass

My period started today. I am elated.

It's been a weird seven weeks since my missed miscarriage (I forget which blogger used the term, but it's the one I like best at the moment).

Everything I usually hope for has been inverted. Instead of wanting my beta numbers to rise, I wanted them to drop. Instead of wanting to see 'Pregnant' on a home pregnancy test, I wanted to see 'Not Pregnant'. Instead of hoping my period wouldn't come, I couldn't wait for it to appear. It's like when Alice goes through the looking glass. Topsy-turvy.

I didn't expect my period to come until early July. My 'normal' unmedicated cycles are 32-33 days. The last beta I had was June 1 (came back at 13, down from 22 on May 28, and my bleeding stopped around June 3. So I was thinking July 3-6, which would end up meaning IVF #2 was targeted for the second week of August.

Hence my elation!

I'm scheduling a baseline ultrasound for tomorrow, and hopefully that will look good. Then I go on birth control pills for at least 21 days, during which time I'll have a saline hysterosonogram to make sure my uterus is looking good post D&C. (I'm also thinking I'll have my first mammogram during those 3 weeks as I just turned 35 and my mom had breast cancer early. I figure it will be less painful before the hormone swelling starts.)

My immunology bloodwork is being redone next week, and we're also re-testing my prolactin and thyroid levels (normal about 18 months ago, but not retested since). The immunology results will reveal whether or not my NK cell and TH1/TH2 levels have remained low, or if I'll need Humira again (unlikely) or an Intralipid infusion (more likely) to suppress them.

If everything looks good, I could potentially be doing a retrieval at the very end of July/very beginning of August!

p.s. I think my vacation last week helped my body recover. I was at Rancho La Puerta in Mexico, and it was amazing. Summer camp for adults. Highly recommended! I came back feeling healthy, relaxed, and long (all those stretching classes).

p.p.s. Thank you for all the kind notes about my last post. Much appreciated!

Signs

The Thursday night before Memorial day weekend, I dreamed about my little girl. She was maybe two years old, dark, short hair with curls, and very poised. I woke up happy. I also woke up bleeding.

Initially I wasn't too concerned -- I'd been bleeding on and off since the D&C on May 5, although I hadn't seen fresh red blood for a week or two. I went to my morning class at The Bar Method and after class I realized I'd bled quite a bit more (like the first day of my period). I cried all the way home.

Some research online suggested that the D&C didn't get all the tissue, and this was my body getting rid of whatever was left. I peed on a stick, and sure enough, it still showed positive. Called my doctor, ended up talking to his nurse, and the doctor on duty called in a test requisition for my hCG levels to be taken.

It was not a good day. The reason I did the D&C immediately after finding out our pregnancy wasn't viable was to get past the physical process and begin healing and get on track for IVF #2 as quickly as possible. Immediate D&C meant no sedation, and if you want, you can read my earlier post for what a nightmare that was. And until my bleeding stopped, my body couldn't start a new cycle. Which meant instead of a mid-June period, I was now looking at an early July period. I was really angry and frustrated (and a little scared -- unexpected fresh blood is never a good thing).

The blood draw that afternoon was surprisingly good - the last time I was in that lab was for my weekly progesterone/CBC levels. I got the awesome tech who manages to make the needle not hurt at all. And, curiously, when I was waiting to be called, there was a butterfly flying around the (basement level) room. Maybe the universe sending me a sign.

By Friday night I was calmer, and it was so nice to have my husband home from work. After dinner we talked about it, and he said my dream was our little girl saying goodbye. (A week later, this still makes me tear up.) We're not religious in the slightest, but I think he was right. My body realized it was letting go of the last little bit of her, and gave me that dream.

We went to Napa on Saturday as planned (not quite the weekend we'd planned, though, what with the bleeding and all...

Wednesday I found out that my hCG was 22 on Friday, and had dropped to 13 on Tuesday. The bleeding has stopped, and I'm finally no longer having to use a panty liner. So I think my body will start having a regular cycle. My "normal" cycles are 32-33 days, so that would make it early July before I get my period. I'm back to feeling like I did before the bleeding restarted -- just eager for time to pass so we can start up again.

We have a consult with our IVF doctor to Tuesday to discuss the next cycle, and I'm hoping he doesn't feel any need for a delay past waiting for my cycle.

-Brave IVF Girl

p.s. For the record, I don't have a test that says she was a girl, but I'm pretty sure she was. When I dreamed about her while pregnant, she was a girl, and in her goodbye dream, she was a girl.