Bereft

The ultrasound yesterday was not good. The tsunami of clots on Sunday apparently swept away the gestational sac as well. The hematoma is gone, but there's no visible sac and no visible heartbeat. I go back in tomorrow to confirm, but I have zero expectation of a surprise.

I feel so betrayed by my body. There's nothing we could have done to prevent this miscarriage - no treatment to avoid or manage sub chorionic hematomas.

With our first two miscarriages, it was a chromosomal abnormality that meant the embryo just stopped progressing, and those embryos could never have been babies.

This embryo was a perfect little girl. If my body had done its job properly, she would have, in all likelihood, been another fabulous child like C.

I was sad yesterday but not all that surprised. Sunday was horrific, so it's not surprising she couldn't survive it.

DH is devastated. As he says, we'll always wonder what she would have been like.

On track, but...

I had my first ultrasound last Tuesday (11/12), and measured exactly on target (6w2d) with a good heartbeat!

However. (If you're squeamish, you may want to skip the next part. TMI warning.)

I started bleeding the previous Tuesday (noticed dark brown blood that night), so went in for my weekly beta on Wednesday instead of Thursday. It was good, at 4454. I asked for an extra beta on Friday so I could make sure it was continuing to climb, and it was, at 6042. Had another bleed Friday night/Saturday morning (including some small clots on Friday night). So I moved my Thursday ultrasound up to Tuesday. Bled again Monday night/Tuesday morning. But the ultrasound, as I mentioned above, showed a healthy pregnancy, along with a moderate sized sub chorionic hematoma (35mm x 15mm or so) which is where the bleeding is coming from. I had suspected this was the case, but it was so reassuring to get an ultrasound to confirm.

Doctor said to take it easy, but to expect more bleeding. I cancelled a trip that I was going to take this past weekend, and have been generally taking it pretty easy. My husband is taking this month off in between jobs, which is fantastic timing, so he's been able to shoulder a lot of the (21 lb baby) load.

I hadn't bled since Tuesday morning until this afternoon. When I noticed a little light red bleeding. And then passed two medium sized clots. And then an hour later, a truly horrific, fist-sized clot. And an hour later, one about half that size. But I'm not bleeding much, and it's not the bright red thick blood. And the clots are getting smaller now.

So I'm very curious about what the hematoma will look like tomorrow morning. And how big it is. And of course I'm hoping the pregnancy is still on track. But I think all this bleeding/clot messiness is just happening alongside the pregnancy.  Still enormously stressful and unpleasant (and the clots cause a lot of cramping.)

Hopefully this is the one issue I have to deal with for this pregnancy (like my marginal placenta previa in my pregnancy with C).

Sending love and strength to @ImpatientJelly and her boys, who were just born at 24w1d.

#2

And our FET worked! I'm pregnant!

I tested on Monday morning, the day before the 10dp6dt beta, with a digital test, and got a positive. The first beta came back at 78, which was half what my son's first beta was, so I was a little anxious. But the second beta, two days later, was 272, which was very reassuring!

Lots of twinges, and I get really tired around 4pm, but otherwise feeling good. Naturally I just caught a cold, which is less fun on no medication...

I go in on Monday for another Intralipid infusion, and have the first ultrasound on November 14. Due date is July 6!